Posted on: 2015-04-18 by Guest

"So do you want to swing at Washington or F?" she says, sitting next to me as I gaze outside the city bus window. "Probably Groton F, my love." I say, so naturally as I turn towards her. She's reading the city bus map for 11S, everything seems so real. I feel uneasy in this dream, I feel out of place, as if I had just awoken from a nightmare that was my life, a nightmare in which the girl I'm speaking too has already died. A dream in a city where we had both moved from. "Get ready to pull it." she says to me, in anticipation of arriving at the park. We both depart the bus, which takes off so familiarly. We arrive at the park, snow covers the ground and a snowman stands on the teeter-totter, "That's adorable. Look, it has buttons." she points out to me, as she rushes to the snowman. "Somebody put some alot work into it." I say, still uneasy. "What's the matter?" she says, concerned. A few moments of silence pass as she gawks at the buttons on the snowman, I can't help but feel so much relief, so much happiness in this moment. I realize now that her death and our moving from CT was just an ugly dream, perhaps a dream I had dreamed so deep last night so not as to immediatly recollect it. "Groton did really well with this park" I say. "yeah. It's beautiful isn't it? Better than Washo." She says, as we make our way to the swings. "We start swinging. The balance of the swing feels so real, and the scene around me undecipherable. We talk about College, about school and about exams. We talk about everything, just as we had used too. We're then in her living room, I can't remember how we arrived here. We didn't arrive here. We were just at the park. "Want some cheetos?" She shakes the bag at me, "yeah, definitely." I say as I take a handful of cheetos. "I love you." "I love you too." she says as she returns her attention to the episode of Jepardy. "Who is John Gault?" she exclaims, "Fuck. How did you know that?" I ask "You kidding? He was like the entire story, without being present." she laughs, She leans into my arms, I hold her so tightly against me. I still feel relieved that everything is just as it used to be, how it always was. I then wake up in my dream, and get up to check the door. I don't know how I arrived here. It's my Dad, "I'm not going there again. Fucking Jews charging 9$ a beer." he says as he charges into the House, and throws his coat over the arm of the couch. "Yeah, that is pretty Jewish." I reply. "I think the bartender was Irish. He tried reaching into my wallet while I was trying to pay him." "Dad." I say, dismissing the comment, almost hilariously. "Where'd your Girlfriend go?" he asks, "Dad, it's 4 in the morning. She's sleeping." "She's always sleeping. Shit- I didn't want to say anything, but your girlfriend is getting lazy." "Dad come on" I laugh, knowing him to be unserious this time of the night. He returns to his room and crashes. I see sirens whizz by outside, and exit the House to have a better look. Jess is standing on the corner. "Jess?" I notice something not right in this dream... I know its a dream now. The fire-hydrant is spraying water, but it is staying in midair. "This is just a dream.." I say to her, almost for confirmation. "yeah." she says, falling into my arms with a hug. I hold her so tightly, combing my hand through her hair "Jess. I don't want to go." "I'll be here waiting for you. I'll look after your dad. Live your life, and I'll be right here." She looks up at me, the scars from the accident start to appear over her face and arms. I run my hand through her hair and hit bumps, blistering. "Jess I love you so so much, we all miss you so fucking much. Bill, Mary (her mom and dad) and I think about you everyday. Not a day goes by that I don't miss you." I say, breaking down." She smiles at me, "She doesn't reply. I fall onto the ground, unconscious before awaking in my bed. Everything is different.. I know now that I'm awake.. Jess died two years ago in a car accident. She was hit by a DUI driver. My Dad killed himself six months ago, as he was mentally ill. \ We moved to Oklahoma a few years ago from Connecticut. I have never had a dream like this in my life. I couldn't awake from it until the end. I miss her so much more than words can say. We were going to get married later that year. We don't believe in religious crap, but this dream made me question even myself. I miss you Jess. I love you so deeply.