Posted on: 2015-12-19 by CrookedlyBent

I just had the saddest, happiest dream I've ever had. It was really intense for me to wake up. I cried when I was awake, for one because I was extremely sad it wasn't real, but also because I realized some very sad aspects of the dream. Wow. I am emotionally stressed right now. So, a majority of the dream was actually pretty depressing, but the ending for me was very uplifting. And also sad. It's complicated. So, as an atheist now-- I've thought long and hard about this stuff, and I can now very surely say that I am an agnostic atheist-- I have been very distressed and depressed about death, and mortality. The whole realization of the low probability of an afterlife has made me extremely upset, scared, and sad for myself and for everyone that I love. I don't want to disappear, and I don't want my friends or family to disappear. This has been very, very scary for me. Anyway, so the BEGINNING of my dream is...odd. And hard for me to remember. What I definitely know is that people were dying, and that I'd seen it before. And it was very creepy. I'm recalling some of it now. I recall a very specific scene in which I witnessed a death, which everyone called a murder. In fact, the woman who had supposedly killed a guy had been trying to prevent his death, and this had been the second time recently she'd been mistaken for killing another. I can't remember the first, but this time that I saw personally, the woman was chasing a man across the street, trying to get him to stop running (I believe that he was scared of her, perhaps because of her first 'murder'), and he was brutally hit by a car. I believe the first death was in a nearby parking lot, in a struggle between the woman and someone attacking her. I don't remember how he died. Anyway, I had seen all of this before, I just hadn't been there personally. I know three deaths-- the two 'killings', and one from a nervous man who committed suicide on the train tracks. Now, I was standing right in the middle of it all (The surrounding area was quite bleary. I was on a bit of a platform leveling off an incline before the ground ascended again. At the very bottom, not too far, in a bit of a valley, was a very speedy highway full of bulky vehicles. To my right was an old, rarely visited gas-station-store type building with a parking lot out front, and a little ways up the hill were train tracks. It's kind of weird, because my vision of this area was not consistent. When I was not near them or paying them any attention, the train tracks were just there, without any nearby structures. But then they gained a fancy, more modern (yet small) little station in which to play out scenes when I needed them to. The station was curved, with a big window facing the valley. The single train track ended inside, to the left, in a dark and creepy little platform area with little room and several doors (which I never opened). It was a bit like a closet, an unused back area that only had trains appear when they were necessary for the 'plot'). So, anyway, where I was inserted into all of this, the first incident in the parking lot had already occurred, and it was too late for me to save the man on the road, as I was a ways away. However, I had my phone with me, and I think I recorded a video, or took some pictures, or something, because I treated it as some sacred piece of evidence for the woman's clearance. Though there were other investigators on the prowl, I was the only one of them to have this tape, and I was determined to report it myself. I paired up with the nervous man of whom I'd previously seen kill himself, and we tried to keep my phone away from other curious detectives. I did this in order to distract the nervous, unstable man from suicide. However, the guy wasn't exactly the greatest partner. He was greedy and self-centered, and it was hard to keep him on track. And I realized something much too late. If you save someone from death, then another person will take their place. In the back, lonely corner of the train station, the one place where the trains would go, I found my brother (though he didn't look much like my brother), standing by the train tracks. I realized what he was going to do, and started trying to beg him out of it-- but he jumped onto the tracks, and immediately a train swept in and ran him down. The next moments are a bit fuzzy, but I believe through either an accident or my own depression of my brother being gone that I ended up on the tracks myself, and was promptly killed. I 'awoke' in a gray, dark, misty version of the train area. It was like some sort of limbo place, where I couldn't leave. I got a distinct feeling of déjà vu, and remembered having been here before I'd witnessed the three deaths previously. I wondered if I would have to repeat watching, reviving, and attempting to save the three over and over again. I was also scared, and unhappy. I didn't want this to be my world when I died. I didn't want to have to reside in this ti